Why Plays Suck – 3 Reasons
We have a confession to make: We hate plays.
There, we said it.
Yes, yes, hold your rancor and chastisements. We know we have now branded ourselves uncultured, illiterate, beer-swilling simpletons, but we don’t care. No matter what you say to bring us out of our provincial shitkickerdom, plays suck. Here’s why;
1. The Medium: For most of human history there haven’t been a lot of options when it came to entertainment. Medieval people would no doubt see the production of a play as an awe inspiring, life changing experience. Compared to their daily drudgery, why wouldn’t they?
But times have changed. We have mass produced books., films, television, sporting events, etc, etc. The days when a group of people standing in front of you playing make believe was the supreme achievement in human entertainment are long gone. Whenever we see a play nowadays, we can’t get past the idea that we are watching adults stand around for an hour and a half, pretending to not be on a stage, pretending to not be pretending, pretending to be someone they are not, pretending to…oh, you get the point.
2. The Culture: What little exposure we’ve had to theater culture has left us scratching our head and wondering whether or not these people could be found anywhere else in life. Even forgetting the dramatic persona that seems so common amongst these denizens of the stage, there is so much off kilter here, we have no idea where to even begin relating to them.
For instance, what is with the superstitions? Why can’t you say Macbeth without a theater person going into convulsions and frothing at the mouth in terror? Why say “break a leg” instead of “good luck”? No, we don’t really understand any superstition. They all seem to be so primitive and ego-centric, as if the universe is keeping watch and just waiting to cause you problems because you say one thing instead of another.
And in what kind of world is the excuse “Well, that’s show business,” acceptable when something goes wrong? If a ship’s captain runs their vessel aground, you don’t hear them say “Well, that’s trans-oceanic shipping for ya!”
And getting back to the people. We’ll merely summarize our conclusion by saying: only theater people could call someone who sings, dances and acts a “Triple Threat” without breaking into hysterics.
There is nothing threatening about any of those actions. Never has been, never will be.
3. Musicals: No. Seriously…just, no. We can listen to music and enjoy it’s performance, but when someone stops talking and starts singing, forget it. Whatever narrative thread we, the audience, have been following up to that point is summarily sliced away when the people who I am trying to take seriously start singing in an attempt to communicate. No.
So let’s hear it. Why do you hate us now?