We were having a discussion several days ago, and the topic of arranged marriages arose, mostly because one of us was recently informed by his parents that they had found him a suitable, albeit potential, mate. (He’s from India, where arranged marriages are much more common than they are in the United States and other western cultures.)
Everyone else in the group thought the idea was about as appealing as canine airline pilots, but after a brief discussion, several of us began seeing the potential upside of such practices. Of course, none of us wanted to be set up for marriage, but the process itself seemed insightful. Here’s why we thought it seemed interesting, and why it would make for a good conversation starter:
1. Your Family Knows you Like Everyone Else: We all see ourselves differently than everyone else does, simply because we are the only person living in our own heads. We experience the world through our perceptions and our thoughts, while everyone else experiences us through only their perceptions. They don’t have our thoughts to help/taint their observations. Because of this, your view of yourself is necessarily different than how everyone else views you. Since finding a partner requires you to be with someone else, you may be less better suited to determine who you are suited for (since you have your thoughts getting in the way) than those who, like your potential mate, can only judge you according to their perceptions.
2. Your Family and Friends Know Your Strengths: Your family has known you all your life. (Well, mostly.) Your friends and coworkers have been around you as an adult. Taken together, this group of people probably knows a good deal about how you behave, with whom you have rapport and what kind of people you get along with. They are in a good position to know who would be good for you, or what kind of person brings out your best side.
3. Your Family and Friends Know Your Weaknesses : Conversely, your family and friends are also around you at your worst times. You may pride yourself on your even temper, but if you are temparamental and easy to anger, it is your family and friends who are better suited to judging you objectively. We all harbor illusions about ourselves, but when someone else looks at us, they do so without the self interest involved. Yes, your family and friends love you and don’t want to hurt you, but if you ask them to take the time and genuinely think about what kind of person would be good for you, your flaws will come into the picture.
Now, none of this makes us want to be set up for a blind marriage, only meeting the person on our wedding day. But it does make us think.
How often do we tell ourselves something, or believe something about ourselves that isn’t accurate? When finding a mate, how can we get past these potential roadblocks and find someone that fits our real personality, and not just our ego.
If anything, family and friends telling you what kind of person you appear to them to be is valuable enough. Forming the decision to marry on that kind of information has got to be at least somewhat helpful.
Doesn’t it?
(Photo courtesy Kumon’s Flickr page, rights granted through Creative Commons. Thanks, Kumon!)
Relationships
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True love. Is there anything better in the whole world? (Perhaps a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. We love that.)